What does it mean to be married?

On Dating Advice (Almost) Daily, Terry responds to a reader who really wants to get married:

Just because you're attracting men who are willing to do everything with you except make it legal doesn't mean all men reject the idea of marriage (not by a long shot). The next time someone refuses to marry you but suggests you bear his children, just say, "No, thank you. I want to get married, and I'm going to hold out for a man who wants to get married and spend the rest of his life with me."

Then walk away.

In the meantime, picture yourself being married, not to some clown who asked you to give birth to his children, but to a man who treasures you and makes your happiness a priority.

What would this marriage look like? Feel like? Taste like? Sound like? Smell like?

Now, I have no problem with the Law of Attraction [my personal M.O. for life includes thinking a LOT about what I do and don't want so if the things I want then happen, who am I to say that it wasn't the 'Law of Attraction' at work?]. But I keep wondering: if that woman actually sits down and tries to picture herself married, does that picture really look different than a committed, lifetime relationship that isn't called 'marriage'?

This isn't a trivial question - it's one I've been asking myself a lot. I have always said that I really don't care about being married, largely because I know a heck of a lot of couples who are in lifetime relationships but who aren't legally married (interestingly, all straight couples). What I do care about is being with someone who is committed to me and our relationship, and by that, I mean someone who fully expects to spend his life with me and is willing to do the work necessary to make sure we stay happy together.

But of course, one has to be careful what one asks for (btw, this should be in huge letters on the front of books about the Law of Attraction!). My relationship with J is pretty much exactly what I'm always said I wanted, right down to the fact that he does not want to get married. It's not a commitment thing - he says he is committed to us, wants to grow old with me, and I believe him. For him, it's a political thing - he's super-libertarian and he doesn't think the government has any business being involved in marriage in any way. He actually has no problem with a wedding (which is good, because I want one, but that's the subject of another post) or being married by a minister, if I were religious (which I'm not), but I don't think we will ever be married in the eyes of the State. And I think I'm OK with that. But once in a while, I'm not sure. And then I start wondering why I'm not sure (did I mention I think a LOT about what I want?) - how would being married be any different than not being married? Am I just reacting to society's expectations? And let me be clear that by 'society', I do mean the nebulous world 'out there' since there isn't a single person who I care about personally that would ever ask me "why aren't you and J married yet?" or the equivalent. But it's hard to fight the subtle matrimania that seeps into every aspect of our lives.

This will surely be a theme I return to a lot, especially with some big weddings coming up this spring. As always, I welcome your thoughts...

A few things I think are awesome...

I recently discovered the blog 1000 Awesome Things and it is, well, awesome. I can't necessarily relate to every single thing but there are a couple that really, truly can only be described as awesome (two of my favorites: #714 Changing the channel during a commercial break and then flipping back just as the show's coming back on, and #986 When you pull up to a red light and the guy in front of you nudges up a bit so you can make a right turn). Anyway, there were a couple things that happened this week that made me want to add these to the list:
- Craigslist. I've used Craigslist a bunch of times to get rid of random stuff - it's really amazing what people will take off your hands if you list it under free stuff. But this week takes the cake because someone just came and picked up a couple sets of vertical blinds that I took out of a room I'm remodeling. What's particularly amazing to me is that one of those was 91.5 inches wide. I don't know if the guy actually has a window that size, or he figures it's close enough (or he doesn't realize it can't be shortened) but I just have to say, I'm psyched that I didn't have to figure out how to put that thing in my garbage can.
- Ebay. I've never really been a huge eBay person but I got it in my head that I want a Wii (long story there) and I swear, every single store in San Diego that might possibly carry them is sold out. But I went on eBay and not only was I able to buy one but the total cost for the package I bought (with an extra controller and games) was cheaper than if I'd bought it at Best Buy, Fry's or any of the other places I looked. Yeah, I have to wait a week to get it but that's still sooner that I could have gotten it otherwise.
- Southwest. I know that some people hate Southwest's cattle call boarding but since they started their numeric boarding system, I love it. I set an alarm on my phone to remind me when it's 24 hours before my flight and then I check in online so I've never not been in the A group. But the best thing is that unlike every other airline I've ever flown, Southwest doesn't charge you anything to change or even cancel your flight (other than any difference in fare). If you cancel, they don't refund your money (you get a credit toward a future flight) but they don't charge you $100 extra either.

What awesome things have you encountered lately?

Happy Quirkyalone Day!

I've said before that I love Valentine's Day - basically, I love any day that gives me an excuse to eat chocolate and candy without guilt! Ironically, I think I like it more when single than when coupled. When I was single, I could just eat my candy, send silly cards to friends and enjoy feelin' the love. As part of a couple, Valentine's Day seems to create all kinds of weird expectations. J and I both think it's no big deal but somehow, even if we agree on that, not acknowledging the day at all seems weird.

But rather than spend even more energy feeling weird about it, I thought I'd go in a different direction and remind everyone that today is also National Donor Day. According to the OrganDonor website:

• As of February 1, 2010, there were 105,525 people waiting for an organ for transplant.
  
• Approximately 35,000 children and adults in our country have life-threatening blood diseases that could be treated by a marrow/blood stem cell or cord blood transplant.
• Every two seconds someone in America needs blood, more than 39,000 units each day, according to the American Red Cross.

If you go to their website, you can get lots of information about how and where to donate organs, blood, blood marrow or stem cells. Show some love!

A new start

When I first started this blog, I thought it would be a place where I would share random thoughts about life and the world, but I particularly wanted to focus on my life as a happily-single thirty-something woman, since that is a perspective that I think could stand to be heard more in this society. The only problem is that ever since I went from being happily-single to happily-coupled, I've felt somewhat conflicted about writing here. I know I've been hesitant to write about certain things connected to my relationship because it feels sort of like a 'betrayal' of my single self, like the fact that I'm happy now somehow diminishes how happy I was then. Actually, to be more accurate, what bugs me is the idea that other people might think that.

But I've decided that I need to just get over myself. I'm still me, and I think I still have an interesting perspective to share, partly because I've gone from being a Quirkyalone to being part of a couple that is most definitely Quirkytogether. I want to tell people about my relationship because I was happily single and this relationship wouldn't be what it is if I hadn't been.

So I'm hoping to get back to what I had originally wanted, to simply write about whatever strikes me - a quirkyeconomist - as worth writing about. I certainly hope that whatever that is will be interesting to other people. I also wanted to warn anyone who has been following this blog for any amount of time that my posts in the future may be even more random and disjointed than in the past but also, hopefully, more regular...

Letter from Satan

By now, most people have probably heard about Pat Robertson's stupid-ass comments about the Haitians making a deal with the devil. But a friend just forwarded me a link to what has to be the most awesome letter-to-the-editor ever written - it's from 'Satan', to Pat Robertson, and you just have to go read it. Almost as good was Keith Olbermann's 'Quick Comment' about Robertson's comments (and similarly inane comments by Rush Limbaugh):



I'm not sure what possesses people to make the kinds of comments that Robertson and Limbaugh have made but I hope that Christians and conservatives everywhere are embarrassed for them.

Music Monday: Stay

Every Most Mondays I'm sharing songs from my Who I Am playlist. If you have favorite songs that inspire you to live a fabulous life, please feel free to share in the comments!

The other night, my boyfriend asked me why women ever get involved with married guys. We were talking about Tiger Woods but his question wasn't so much about why women are willing to sleep with married celebrities, but why women would get involved with men that they know can't/won't give them what they want. I didn't really know what to tell him, except that a lot of people a) are good at deluding themselves and b) are willing to put up with less than they deserve. I should know; I've definitely been there (though not with someone who was married!).

So today, I'm cheating a bit with my Music Monday pick (pun intended) - Sugarland's Stay isn't actually on my "Who I Am" playlist right now but a couple years ago, I did play it ad nauseum to remind me why I needed to get the hell out of my last relationship. I mentioned in my last Music Monday post that country songs often tell stories or at least have a clear message. This song also employs a device that I always think is cool - it uses the same phrase in different contexts so that the meaning in the last verse/chorus is different from in the beginning of the song.



I've been sitting here staring at the clock on the wall
And I've been laying here praying, praying she won't call
It's just another call from home
And you'll get it and be gone
And I'll be crying

And I'll be begging you, baby
Beg you not to leave
But I'll be left here waiting
With my Heart on my sleeve
Oh, for the next time we'll be here
Seems like a million years
And I think I'm dying

What do I have to do to make you see
She can't love you like me?

[chorus] Why don't you stay
I'm down on my knees
I'm so tired of being lonely
Don't I give you what you need
When she calls you to go
There is one thing you should know
We don't have to live this way
Baby, why don't you stay

You keep telling me, baby
There will come a time
When you will leave her arms
And forever be in mine
But I don't think that's the truth
And I don't like being used and I'm tired of waiting
It's too much pain to have to bear
To love a man you have to share

[chorus]

I can't take it any longer
But my will is getting stronger
And I think I know just what I have to do
I can't waste another minute
After all that I've put in it
I've given you my best
Why does she get the best of you
So next time you find you wanna leave her bed for mine

Why don't you stay
I'm up off my knees
I'm so tired of being lonely
You can't give me what I need
When she begs you not to go
There is one thing you should know
I don't have to live this way
Baby, why don't you stay, yeah

Stuff I liked in the last week...

• Zandria lists 14 Things This Single Gal is Thankful For. My favorite is #5: "I'm thankful not only for the nice people I've met through online dating, and the good experiences I've had, but for the people who have hurt me. I believe without a doubt that getting hurt -- and more importantly, realizing that you can survive, overcome, and prosper -- makes you stronger." I can also really relate to #1: "I'm thankful that I've never felt any pressure to be anything but myself, or rush into something I'm not ready for. I've talked to other people and I know this isn't always the case. My family likes me the way I am." Amen.

• Few things bug me as much as people who say they support/oppose something because of X, when the REAL reason is Y, but they don't want to actually admit that because Y would sound too mean/politically incorrect/stupid. Like people who say they oppose gay marriage because it will somehow weaken 'traditional' marriage when the reality is that they are just homophobic bigots. So I LOVE that there's a guy who is trying to get a measure on the California ballot that would ban divorce. It's called The Marriage Protection Act and the website's tagline pretty much says it all: Safeguarding marriage from the evils of divorce (also love the posts "It's your responsibility to teach your child about reality - not the state's" and "Jesus still loves you if you get divorced - just not as much as before").
  

• Speaking of sarcasm: Rachel, of Rachel's Musings, cracked me up, taking pity on all her poor coupled friends who must be so stressed by the holidays when solitude is so elusive for them.

• Via Sex, Lies and Dating in the City's weekly Guy's Story, I discovered Jackie Summer's blog F*cking in Brooklyn: Love as a life or death experience. I spent more time than I meant to reading all his posts. To give you an idea why I'm hooked, this is from a September post, The Case Against Settling:

The choice to stick together and make it work is a conscious one, and one you can make, in theory, with anyone. No matter how much you love (or barely tolerate) someone, there are going to be challenges you will have to face together.If you are going to go thru all of the problems that marriage brings one way or another, why go thru it with someone you don't absolutely adore? Why not go thru all of that with someone you're crazy about?

[Being single] also means I have to put up with no one's bullshit but my own. Sure being single sucks sometimes, but at the end of the day, I'd rather be happy alone than unhappy with someone who's not right for me; I've done that. I know I'm risking living alone for the rest of my life. But life IS risk, and it's only the people who are willing to take real chances who get real rewards.