In honor of National Unmarried and Single Americans Week, I’m going to put on my economist hat and ask: Is there an economic rationale for government incentives to get married? By ‘government incentives to get married’, I’m talking about all the ways in which the government (and society in general) privileges married people. One widely-cited statistic is that there are over 1000 benefits, rights and protections in Federal laws that are based on marital status. Given my current situation, I’ve been doing a lot of research on some of those benefits. Some can still be obtained by the unmarried, with additional work (e.g., I can manually change the beneficiary for my retirement accounts or sign an advanced health directive so my partner can make medical decisions for me) but many are simply not available to unmarried people, period. It’s no wonder that single-sex couples are so eager to gain access to legal marriage (completely aside from the social acceptance aspect, of course).
But as an economist, I wonder: why should people have to get married to get these benefits in the first place? Is there any economic rationale for government policies that confer benefits on the married? In my Intro classes, I teach my students that government intervention may be warranted in situations of market failure; that is, where the market outcome may be “inefficient” for some reason. In econ-speak, an “inefficient” outcome is one where benefits to society do not line up with costs. In most markets for traditional goods, the costs and benefits only go to the people buying and selling the goods (e.g., when I eat a hamburger, the person who benefits is me and the price I pay covers the costs for the company selling the hamburger). In some markets, there may be costs or benefits for people other than the buyer or seller and if those external costs or benefits are not reflected in the price of the good, then the market may be inefficient because there will be ‘too much’ of some goods (when there are external costs) or ‘too little’ (when there are external benefits). The classic example is smoking – when I consume cigarettes, I create costs for people other than just me and if those costs don’t get built into the price of cigarettes, then I’ll buy more cigarettes than society wants me to.
These external costs or benefits are one justification for government intervention in markets; basically, taxes or subsidies can reflect the social costs or benefits so the ‘price’ reflects the full costs or benefits. If the government taxes cigarettes than the price goes up and I buy fewer cigarettes. Applying this to the marriage ‘market’, one would have to argue that there are external benefits of marriage so the government needs to provide extra incentives to get people to 'consume more’ marriage. So people other than a particular couple must presumably benefit somehow from that couple being married. I guess the conservative argument is that married couples are more “stable” and better behaved (?) and this is therefore better for society than if those people were running around just cohabitating or being single. I don’t know that there is really much evidence of this – a quick Google search turned up lots of rhetoric along the lines of ‘family values’, and studies about how marriage benefits the people IN the marriage (though the psychologist Bella DePaulo has also written a lot about how those studies often don’t actually show causality), but I couldn’t find anything showing that marriage, per se, has external benefits, such as causing people to act any better (for society) than before they were married. The closest I could find was arguments about the impact on children (i.e., kids do better when their parents stay together) but if that’s the basis for government intervention, then all the benefits should only go to couples with kids, not just anybody who is married.
Although I can’t think of a good argument for marriage benefit policies based on the standard idea of economic efficiency (i.e., the market ‘underprovides’ marriage so the government needs to provide incentives to boost consumption/production), I can imagine an argument based on administrative efficiency – i.e., some policies were probably adopted simply to reduce paperwork (e.g., most people would name their spouse as their beneficiary/spokesperson in most situations anyway so making that the default saves time and effort), or because “legal spouse” seems like an easy shortcut to identify “Very Important Person in my life”. But given that 46 percent of American households are now maintained by unmarried men or women (including 6.7 million specifically ‘unmarried-partner’ households), and the increasing trend in the percentage of couples choosing cohabitation over marriage, it seems like perhaps we should starting questioning whether marriage as the ‘default’ is really the most efficient way to go…
Wednesday, September 18, 2013
Where is the market failure in marriage?
Tuesday, September 3, 2013
Merging lives
I mentioned yesterday that my relationship status has changed pretty dramatically since I stopped blogging here a few years ago. To be more specific, I am now "engaged". I put that in quotes because while J "proposed" and we are going to eventually have a wedding at which we will formally commit to spending our lives together, we are not planning to sign any legal documents designating that we are "married" (i.e, no marriage license). One of the reasons I wanted to start blogging again is because I could use an outlet for reflection as we navigate what it means to merge our lives without that legal designation. So far, what I know is that it means we are going to have to process a lot more paperwork, and as we do that, we'll have to consciously and proactively think about a lot of issues that many couples don't deal with until they have to (and sometimes when it is too late). So I'll be writing about some of that.
Most immediately, J moved in with me about a year ago. J's daughter was a high school freshman when we met in 2009 and he had joint custody (she was with him three nights each week) so it was pretty much understood since the beginning that major life changes, like us living together, would wait until after she was off to college (and if anyone was wondering, yes, that was an issue at times, but we're past it now so I'm not going to dwell on it). The upside to knowing we'd live together eventually, but having lots and lots of time before it actually happened, is that I/we were able to very slowly make changes to the house to make it 'ours'. We did have a conversation some time ago about whether he would move in with me or we would look for a new house together (living at his condo was never really an option). Once we decided that keeping my house made the most sense, I began thinking about home improvements differently. Big decisions, like upgrading the insulation and installing solar panels, became joint decisions. That was really weird, partly because he wasn't actually living here yet and I still very much think of it as "my" house, but mostly because I've been making those decisions on my own for so long and it just felt odd to be factoring someone else into the equation. A big issue for me is balancing what I see as my independence with what I know people are 'supposed' to do when in a relationship. That is, I know I'm 'supposed to' discuss these things with him but what if we disagree? If I know what I want to do, and I'm paying for it and it's my house, the feminist in me resists the idea that I would do something different just because this guy wants something else. And yet, even as I write that, I know how terribly selfish that sounds...
More than one person has commented that this is a lot harder at 40 than at 20. We're both used to doing things 'our way', we know what we like, and are used to taking care of ourselves. I will say that it helps tremendously that J and I communicate really well - he actually likes it that I pretty much have to express every thought and emotion I have. So when I'm irked by something, he can just read it on my face and we deal with it. And it definitely has gotten easier, as we've slowly figured out our routine, who does what chores, etc. But I feel like this is all still very much a work in progress. Then again, I wonder if it ever stops feeling that way?
Most immediately, J moved in with me about a year ago. J's daughter was a high school freshman when we met in 2009 and he had joint custody (she was with him three nights each week) so it was pretty much understood since the beginning that major life changes, like us living together, would wait until after she was off to college (and if anyone was wondering, yes, that was an issue at times, but we're past it now so I'm not going to dwell on it). The upside to knowing we'd live together eventually, but having lots and lots of time before it actually happened, is that I/we were able to very slowly make changes to the house to make it 'ours'. We did have a conversation some time ago about whether he would move in with me or we would look for a new house together (living at his condo was never really an option). Once we decided that keeping my house made the most sense, I began thinking about home improvements differently. Big decisions, like upgrading the insulation and installing solar panels, became joint decisions. That was really weird, partly because he wasn't actually living here yet and I still very much think of it as "my" house, but mostly because I've been making those decisions on my own for so long and it just felt odd to be factoring someone else into the equation. A big issue for me is balancing what I see as my independence with what I know people are 'supposed' to do when in a relationship. That is, I know I'm 'supposed to' discuss these things with him but what if we disagree? If I know what I want to do, and I'm paying for it and it's my house, the feminist in me resists the idea that I would do something different just because this guy wants something else. And yet, even as I write that, I know how terribly selfish that sounds...
More than one person has commented that this is a lot harder at 40 than at 20. We're both used to doing things 'our way', we know what we like, and are used to taking care of ourselves. I will say that it helps tremendously that J and I communicate really well - he actually likes it that I pretty much have to express every thought and emotion I have. So when I'm irked by something, he can just read it on my face and we deal with it. And it definitely has gotten easier, as we've slowly figured out our routine, who does what chores, etc. But I feel like this is all still very much a work in progress. Then again, I wonder if it ever stops feeling that way?
Labels:
my relationship
Monday, September 2, 2013
Quirkyeconomist, Take 2: Being Quirkytogether
I suppose I really can't just pick up this blog after a more-than-three year absence without some sort of explanation. So... The short version is that a) life got busy and b) as my relationship progressed, I was having a harder time figuring out how/what to write for a blog that I had originally started in order to write about being happily single. It seemed easiest to just stop. But although my relationship status has changed pretty dramatically, I'm still pretty much the same person and I still think the same way about a lot of things related to being single and being in a relationship. And I've been thinking that maybe I do still have something to say that fits with the spirit of this blog. Specifically, as the world has evolved and being happily single, or a "quirkyalone", has become increasingly accepted (or at least, less maligned than I think it used to be), I think there are a growing number of people who find (or will find) themselves in a 'quirkytogether' relationship - that is, two people who are happily single start dating and then have to navigate what it means to be in a relationship. Or as Sasha Cagan put it in Quirkyalone: A Manifesto for Uncompromising Romantics
: "At the core, quirkytogether values the idea of two fully formed human beings coming together for a partnership rather than a merging of the souls - it's not a soul mate idea of finding the other half to complete you, but about finding a lively and dynamic partnership that still allows you to be fully yourself."
This is where J and I find ourselves, and I think it might be interesting (or at least cathartic for me) to share some of what this means for us. I was doing a little of this before my 'hiatus' but I felt weird about it; this time around, I'll try to just own it. I've also simply missed having a personal blog where I can share some of the random stuff that passes through my brain. So I'm back...
This is where J and I find ourselves, and I think it might be interesting (or at least cathartic for me) to share some of what this means for us. I was doing a little of this before my 'hiatus' but I felt weird about it; this time around, I'll try to just own it. I've also simply missed having a personal blog where I can share some of the random stuff that passes through my brain. So I'm back...

Wednesday, March 3, 2010
Chemistry
I don't make any secret of the fact that J and I met though eHarmony but I have to say, I hate telling people that. Not because I have any issues about online dating - I just think the eHarmony TV ads are so irritatingly cheesy that I would hate for anyone to think that the success of my and J's relationship is in any way a reflection of meeting through eHarmony versus some other online site. I've gone on countless first dates with guys I met on Match.com and Salon.com personals and I can honestly say that I never really felt there was any difference in the "quality" or compatibility of the guys I met there versus those I met on eHarmony (on average). If anything, I always worried that eHarmony's process, which requires you go through several steps online before meeting in person, sort of diminished the excitement that might have been there if I'd just met the guy sooner. That is, I think that knowing too much about someone before you meet in person can actually be a detriment - a lot of the fun of dating is finding out what you have in common with someone in person, over time. I met a lot of guys who were smart and interesting and there were some who I thought I'd probably be more interested in if I'd met them under different circumstances, like through friends, where I'd have to get to know them 'from scratch'. I'm not sure why I think it matters but I do.
Of course, having met J online, I'm now tempted to put more emphasis on "chemistry". Simone Grant just wrote a post about chemistry, wondering whether it has to be there from the start or can develop after meeting, and it's got me thinking. I've always sort of thought that "chemistry" is over-rated, and I still think it's not particularly healthy for people to believe that they will just "know" when they meet the right person. Some of the guys I have fallen for hardest have been guys who started out as friends and I never would have imagined dating them at the beginning. But on the other hand, I did know right away that J was different from the other guys I had met online, largely because there were several points during our first date when I found myself wondering what it would be like to kiss him. He was the first/only guy I've ever met online where those thoughts went through my head.* And I think that with online dating, it is important that chemistry is there from the beginning because if it isn't, it's unlikely it will develop eventually, since the only thing bringing you together is dating and you'll constantly be looking for that chemistry (as opposed to getting to know someone outside the dating context, which is what happened with the guys I mentioned earlier, where we were friends and then things developed into something more).
At any rate, I don't really know why I was attracted to J and not to the many other guys I met who were just as nice, funny, etc. but I know it wasn't because eHarmony's extensive questionnaire and personality-matching system somehow knew we were right for each other. I think us working out has a lot more to do with me finally being in the right "place" in my life...

*Of course, we also met for drinks (which led to dinner and more drinks) whereas most of my other first dates had been coffee and I always find myself more attracted to guys when I'm a little tipsy - I like to tell him that we might never have made it past the first date if he hadn't gotten me liquored up, which he thinks is bizarre because he didn't even try to kiss me that night. But the point is that I wanted him to kiss me that night.
Of course, having met J online, I'm now tempted to put more emphasis on "chemistry". Simone Grant just wrote a post about chemistry, wondering whether it has to be there from the start or can develop after meeting, and it's got me thinking. I've always sort of thought that "chemistry" is over-rated, and I still think it's not particularly healthy for people to believe that they will just "know" when they meet the right person. Some of the guys I have fallen for hardest have been guys who started out as friends and I never would have imagined dating them at the beginning. But on the other hand, I did know right away that J was different from the other guys I had met online, largely because there were several points during our first date when I found myself wondering what it would be like to kiss him. He was the first/only guy I've ever met online where those thoughts went through my head.* And I think that with online dating, it is important that chemistry is there from the beginning because if it isn't, it's unlikely it will develop eventually, since the only thing bringing you together is dating and you'll constantly be looking for that chemistry (as opposed to getting to know someone outside the dating context, which is what happened with the guys I mentioned earlier, where we were friends and then things developed into something more).
At any rate, I don't really know why I was attracted to J and not to the many other guys I met who were just as nice, funny, etc. but I know it wasn't because eHarmony's extensive questionnaire and personality-matching system somehow knew we were right for each other. I think us working out has a lot more to do with me finally being in the right "place" in my life...

*Of course, we also met for drinks (which led to dinner and more drinks) whereas most of my other first dates had been coffee and I always find myself more attracted to guys when I'm a little tipsy - I like to tell him that we might never have made it past the first date if he hadn't gotten me liquored up, which he thinks is bizarre because he didn't even try to kiss me that night. But the point is that I wanted him to kiss me that night.
Labels:
my relationship
Tuesday, February 23, 2010
What does it mean to be married?
On Dating Advice (Almost) Daily, Terry responds to a reader who really wants to get married:
This isn't a trivial question - it's one I've been asking myself a lot. I have always said that I really don't care about being married, largely because I know a heck of a lot of couples who are in lifetime relationships but who aren't legally married (interestingly, all straight couples). What I do care about is being with someone who is committed to me and our relationship, and by that, I mean someone who fully expects to spend his life with me and is willing to do the work necessary to make sure we stay happy together.
But of course, one has to be careful what one asks for (btw, this should be in huge letters on the front of books about the Law of Attraction!). My relationship with J is pretty much exactly what I'm always said I wanted, right down to the fact that he does not want to get married. It's not a commitment thing - he says he is committed to us, wants to grow old with me, and I believe him. For him, it's a political thing - he's super-libertarian and he doesn't think the government has any business being involved in marriage in any way. He actually has no problem with a wedding (which is good, because I want one, but that's the subject of another post) or being married by a minister, if I were religious (which I'm not), but I don't think we will ever be married in the eyes of the State. And I think I'm OK with that. But once in a while, I'm not sure. And then I start wondering why I'm not sure (did I mention I think a LOT about what I want?) - how would being married be any different than not being married? Am I just reacting to society's expectations? And let me be clear that by 'society', I do mean the nebulous world 'out there' since there isn't a single person who I care about personally that would ever ask me "why aren't you and J married yet?" or the equivalent. But it's hard to fight the subtle matrimania that seeps into every aspect of our lives.
This will surely be a theme I return to a lot, especially with some big weddings coming up this spring. As always, I welcome your thoughts...

Just because you're attracting men who are willing to do everything with you except make it legal doesn't mean all men reject the idea of marriage (not by a long shot). The next time someone refuses to marry you but suggests you bear his children, just say, "No, thank you. I want to get married, and I'm going to hold out for a man who wants to get married and spend the rest of his life with me."Now, I have no problem with the Law of Attraction [my personal M.O. for life includes thinking a LOT about what I do and don't want so if the things I want then happen, who am I to say that it wasn't the 'Law of Attraction' at work?]. But I keep wondering: if that woman actually sits down and tries to picture herself married, does that picture really look different than a committed, lifetime relationship that isn't called 'marriage'?
Then walk away.
In the meantime, picture yourself being married, not to some clown who asked you to give birth to his children, but to a man who treasures you and makes your happiness a priority.
What would this marriage look like? Feel like? Taste like? Sound like? Smell like?
This isn't a trivial question - it's one I've been asking myself a lot. I have always said that I really don't care about being married, largely because I know a heck of a lot of couples who are in lifetime relationships but who aren't legally married (interestingly, all straight couples). What I do care about is being with someone who is committed to me and our relationship, and by that, I mean someone who fully expects to spend his life with me and is willing to do the work necessary to make sure we stay happy together.
But of course, one has to be careful what one asks for (btw, this should be in huge letters on the front of books about the Law of Attraction!). My relationship with J is pretty much exactly what I'm always said I wanted, right down to the fact that he does not want to get married. It's not a commitment thing - he says he is committed to us, wants to grow old with me, and I believe him. For him, it's a political thing - he's super-libertarian and he doesn't think the government has any business being involved in marriage in any way. He actually has no problem with a wedding (which is good, because I want one, but that's the subject of another post) or being married by a minister, if I were religious (which I'm not), but I don't think we will ever be married in the eyes of the State. And I think I'm OK with that. But once in a while, I'm not sure. And then I start wondering why I'm not sure (did I mention I think a LOT about what I want?) - how would being married be any different than not being married? Am I just reacting to society's expectations? And let me be clear that by 'society', I do mean the nebulous world 'out there' since there isn't a single person who I care about personally that would ever ask me "why aren't you and J married yet?" or the equivalent. But it's hard to fight the subtle matrimania that seeps into every aspect of our lives.
This will surely be a theme I return to a lot, especially with some big weddings coming up this spring. As always, I welcome your thoughts...

Labels:
marriage,
my relationship,
the Examined Life
Wednesday, February 17, 2010
A few things I think are awesome...
I recently discovered the blog 1000 Awesome Things and it is, well, awesome. I can't necessarily relate to every single thing but there are a couple that really, truly can only be described as awesome (two of my favorites: #714 Changing the channel during a commercial break and then flipping back just as the show's coming back on, and #986 When you pull up to a red light and the guy in front of you nudges up a bit so you can make a right turn). Anyway, there were a couple things that happened this week that made me want to add these to the list:
- Craigslist. I've used Craigslist a bunch of times to get rid of random stuff - it's really amazing what people will take off your hands if you list it under free stuff. But this week takes the cake because someone just came and picked up a couple sets of vertical blinds that I took out of a room I'm remodeling. What's particularly amazing to me is that one of those was 91.5 inches wide. I don't know if the guy actually has a window that size, or he figures it's close enough (or he doesn't realize it can't be shortened) but I just have to say, I'm psyched that I didn't have to figure out how to put that thing in my garbage can.
- Ebay. I've never really been a huge eBay person but I got it in my head that I want a Wii (long story there) and I swear, every single store in San Diego that might possibly carry them is sold out. But I went on eBay and not only was I able to buy one but the total cost for the package I bought (with an extra controller and games) was cheaper than if I'd bought it at Best Buy, Fry's or any of the other places I looked. Yeah, I have to wait a week to get it but that's still sooner that I could have gotten it otherwise.
- Southwest. I know that some people hate Southwest's cattle call boarding but since they started their numeric boarding system, I love it. I set an alarm on my phone to remind me when it's 24 hours before my flight and then I check in online so I've never not been in the A group. But the best thing is that unlike every other airline I've ever flown, Southwest doesn't charge you anything to change or even cancel your flight (other than any difference in fare). If you cancel, they don't refund your money (you get a credit toward a future flight) but they don't charge you $100 extra either.
What awesome things have you encountered lately?

- Craigslist. I've used Craigslist a bunch of times to get rid of random stuff - it's really amazing what people will take off your hands if you list it under free stuff. But this week takes the cake because someone just came and picked up a couple sets of vertical blinds that I took out of a room I'm remodeling. What's particularly amazing to me is that one of those was 91.5 inches wide. I don't know if the guy actually has a window that size, or he figures it's close enough (or he doesn't realize it can't be shortened) but I just have to say, I'm psyched that I didn't have to figure out how to put that thing in my garbage can.
- Ebay. I've never really been a huge eBay person but I got it in my head that I want a Wii (long story there) and I swear, every single store in San Diego that might possibly carry them is sold out. But I went on eBay and not only was I able to buy one but the total cost for the package I bought (with an extra controller and games) was cheaper than if I'd bought it at Best Buy, Fry's or any of the other places I looked. Yeah, I have to wait a week to get it but that's still sooner that I could have gotten it otherwise.
- Southwest. I know that some people hate Southwest's cattle call boarding but since they started their numeric boarding system, I love it. I set an alarm on my phone to remind me when it's 24 hours before my flight and then I check in online so I've never not been in the A group. But the best thing is that unlike every other airline I've ever flown, Southwest doesn't charge you anything to change or even cancel your flight (other than any difference in fare). If you cancel, they don't refund your money (you get a credit toward a future flight) but they don't charge you $100 extra either.
What awesome things have you encountered lately?

Labels:
giving thanks
Sunday, February 14, 2010
Happy Quirkyalone Day!
I've said before that I love Valentine's Day - basically, I love any day that gives me an excuse to eat chocolate and candy without guilt! Ironically, I think I like it more when single than when coupled. When I was single, I could just eat my candy, send silly cards to friends and enjoy feelin' the love. As part of a couple, Valentine's Day seems to create all kinds of weird expectations. J and I both think it's no big deal but somehow, even if we agree on that, not acknowledging the day at all seems weird.
But rather than spend even more energy feeling weird about it, I thought I'd go in a different direction and remind everyone that today is also National Donor Day. According to the OrganDonor website:

But rather than spend even more energy feeling weird about it, I thought I'd go in a different direction and remind everyone that today is also National Donor Day. According to the OrganDonor website:
- As of February 1, 2010, there were 105,525 people waiting for an organ for transplant.
- Approximately 35,000 children and adults in our country have life-threatening blood diseases that could be treated by a marrow/blood stem cell or cord blood transplant.
- Every two seconds someone in America needs blood, more than 39,000 units each day, according to the American Red Cross.

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