No one is an island but...

One of the many nice things about visiting my parents is that they still subscribe to an actual, physical newspaper. So every morning, I come downstairs and read the paper at the kitchen table while drinking my coffee, usually with my mom. At home, I read the paper online and I usually just skim the news headlines, only clicking on the full articles that look the most interesting; with the physical paper, I read almost all the sections, including columns and features like Dear Abby (who is really the most incredibly judgmental woman!). I'm not sure why I enjoy it so much but I do.

Anyway, this morning, the San Jose Mercury had a front-page story about a group of elderly Silicon Valley residents, and how they are embracing 'old age'. Much about their stories is inspiring and certainly makes me feel like I've got no excuse at all to be as much of a sloth as I am. But the main reason I'm sharing this here is because there's one section in particular about how many seniors are 'going it alone':

As much as she has missed her husband since he died, Connolly has fully embraced independent living. "I was always taking care of people," she says. "My husband was the absent-minded professor. There were very few times in my life when I just had to think about me, and now I've gotten used to that and it's kind of nice. I can enjoy doing what I want to do without even considering another person. And I'm fine with that."

Her four grown children sometimes are able to show up around the holidays, and sometimes they aren't. "My kids live in four different time zones, and my daughter who lives in San Francisco might as well live in Hawaii because she's so busy," Connolly says. "You can't count on your kids for company or companionship. They have their lives, so I don't depend on them. You need people your own age you can be with."

The next time someone asks you why you don't have kids and alludes to kids taking care of you when you're older, show them this! There was also something that made me think about how the happily-single community seems to focus more on women than men:

So far, that has not involved pairing off with any of the Saratoga center's male residents, who are in such scarce supply they are prized as companions. "It's harder for single women than single men because we haven't been brought up to be that bold and aggressive," Connolly says. "I've found some very nice women friends here that I can do most things with. I can't go dancing anymore, but you can't do everything."

Connolly actually has plenty of company in her solitude. According to a Census Bureau survey in 2003, three-quarters of the Americans 65 or older and living alone were women. Men, however, seek a significant other. At 85 and older, more than half the men were still living with a spouse — frequently not their first one — while only one-eighth of the women had a husband.

The reality is that even if you're in a great relationship, with a wonderful partner, kids, etc., it's important to be OK with being on your own as well, because you never know what's going to happen and where you'll end up in the future. The only guarantee we really have is that the one person you will ALWAYS have for support is YOU.

"Cat lady" vs. Cat Woman

Over the last couple days, the universe seems to be telling me something. First I read Bella DePaulo's post about a 20/20 segment on "Cat Ladies", a documentary about women with cats. As you can imagine (especially if DePaulo is covering it), the segment does not portray such women in a particularly flattering light. Then I finally got around to watching an episode of Private Practice from, I think, two weeks ago (I'm way behind on my crap TV watching), in which one of the main characters, Addison, ends up with the cat of a patient who dies from cancer. Addison is torn about taking the cat, in no small part because she fears being a 'cat lady' and part of the storyline concerns her fear that, like her patient, she will die alone. The title of this post was inspired by a line from one of Addison's colleagues, who wonders why being a 'cat lady' seems sad while Cat Woman is totally hot. That line, in particular, got me thinking about the cat lady stereotype.

And then, yesterday morning, I finally had a cat door installed for my indoor/outdoor cat. I've been meaning to do this for a while but kept putting it off. I was finally motivated to do it because as low-maintenance as my cat already is, I still have to be around to let her in and out. And that means that if she's outside and I'm gone for too long (for example, if I want to stay over at my boyfriend's place), I feel guilty; or if I know I'll be gone, I try to keep her inside, and I feel guilty. So installing a cat door means more freedom for both of us. And that's when it occurred to me that the stereotype of cat ladies as lonely and pathetic makes absolutely no sense. If I were really lonely and pathetic, I wouldn't have a cat; I'd have a dog! No one gets a cat for devoted companionship, unconditional love or any other dependent feeling that one would assume from the cat lady stereotype; cats are way too independent. The reason Cat Woman is hot is because she's like a cat: independent and not giving a crap about what anyone thinks of her. And any woman who is like that is going to prefer having a cat, not a dependent, needy dog who can never be left alone and will piss on your shoes if you don't give it enough attention.

So where the heck did the 'cat lady' stereotype come from?!?!

Music Monday: Dream Big

Every Monday I'm sharing songs from my Who I Am playlist. If you have favorite songs that inspire you to live a fabulous life, please feel free to share in the comments!

I know that a lot of people don't love country music - up until about ten years ago, I would have counted myself as one of them. But I've always liked folky singer-songwriter types like Lucinda Williams or Shawn Colvin, and a lot of artists labeled 'country' are doing very similar music to them. And over the last several years, there's been a lot of cross-over between country and pop. So now, I listen to a lot of 'country music' and I'm not ashamed to admit it. Sure, there are plenty of corny, twangy songs (She Thinks My Tractor's Sexy comes to mind - yes, that's a real song), but country music tends to be more melodic than other popular genres and there's often very cool harmonies (remember I'm a singer). They also often tell stories or at least have a clear message. So there are a lot of country songs on my iPod. One of my favorites is Dream Big, by Ryan Shupe and the Rubberband (I don't really understand the bit at the beginning of the video; the song itself starts at 25 seconds in):



When you cry be sure to dry your eyes
'Cause better days are sure to come
And when you smile be sure to smile wide
Don't let them know that they have won
And when you walk, walk with pride
Don't show the hurt inside
Because the pain will soon be gone

[chorus:] And when you dream, dream big
As big as the ocean blue
'Cause when you dream it might come true
When you dream, dream big

When you laugh be sure to laugh out loud
'Cause it will carry all your cares away
And when you see, see the beauty all around and in yourself
And it'll help you feel okay
And when you pray, pray for strength
To help you carry on
When the troubles come your way

[chorus]

When you laugh be sure to laugh out loud
'Cause it will carry all your cares away
And when you see, see the beauty all around and in yourself
And it'll help you feel okay
And when you pray, pray for strength
To help you carry on
When the troubles come your way

[chorus]

Stuff I liked this week...

...and want to write more about at some point but know it may be a while until I get around to it (if ever) so figured I'd at least share:

Simone on Sex, Lies and Dating has a great list of what is and isn't sexy. What is: a natural smile, taking care of yourself, smart with interesting things to say, chutzah and kindness. From my perspective at least, she totally nailed it.

Sirens has a series called Peace Talks, one between single and married friends, another between a mom and a child-free friend (hat tip to Simone). Lots of common sense here, and very little judgment.

Wendy from First Person Singular asks a great question: if rejection "isn't about you", then what about when there is attraction and love? Her friend says "It's not about you then, either." Hard to refute the logic but sure makes me think...

Liz Rizzo feels she has lost her appetite for love and dating. "Like someone new could be the most beautiful banana split ever, with whipped cream and cherries and nuts, and when confronted with this person I would remember how much I love banana splits, maybe even want to still love banana splits, but be left with absolutely no stomach for one." I really like this metaphor - when you say you're not hungry, no one accuses you of being anti-food or resentful of others who have food or of being in denial about how much you actually want to eat.

Music Monday: Express Yourself

Every Monday I'm sharing songs from my Who I Am playlist. If you have favorite songs that inspire you to live a fabulous life, please feel free to share in the comments!

For women, no playlist of empowering songs would be complete without at least one Madonna song. My favorite is Express Yourself, from her Like a Prayer album, partly because it includes one of my favorite lyrics ever: "Second best is never enough; You'll do much better baby on your own":

Madonna - New Music - More Music Videos

Come on girls
Do you believe in love?
'Cause I got something to say about it
And it goes something like this
[Chorus:]
Don't go for second best baby
Put your love to the test
You know, you know, you've got to
Make him express how he feels
And maybe then you'll know your love is real

You don't need diamond rings
Or eighteen karat gold
Fancy cars that go very fast
You know they never last, no, no
What you need is a big strong hand
To lift you to your higher ground
Make you feel like a queen on a throne
Make him love you till you can't come down
(You'll never come down)

[chorus]

Long stem roses are the way to your heart
But he needs to start with your head
Satin sheets are very romantic
What happens when you're not in bed
You deserve the best in life
So if the time isn't right then move on
Second best is never enough
You'll do much better baby on your own
(Baby on your own)

[chorus]

Express yourself
(You've got to make him)
Express himself
Hey, hey, hey, hey
So if you want it right now, make him show you how
Express what he's got, oh baby ready or not

[Intermediate:]
And when you're gone he might regret it
Think about the love he once had
Try to carry on, but he just won't get it
He'll be back on his knees

To express himself
(You've got to make him)
Express himself
Hey hey

What you need is a big strong hand
To lift you to your higher ground
Make you feel like a queen on a throne
Make him love you till you can't come down
(You'll never come down)

[intermediate]
So please

[chorus]

Express yourself
(You've got to make him)
Express himself
Hey, hey, hey, hey
So if you want it right now, make him show you how
Express what he's got, oh baby ready or not
Express yourself
(You've got to make him)
So you can respect yourself
Hey, hey
So if you want it right now, then make him show you how
Express what he's got, oh baby ready or not

Giving Thanks

November is one of my favorite months. I'm a big wimp about heat so I'm cranky for a lot of the summer and I usually spend most of September just waiting for the weather to cool off enough that I can wear jeans. Of course, I'm also a big wimp about cold - there's really a pathetically small window of temperatures that I consider comfortable - but at least when it's cold, I can layer on clothes and get all cozy under big blankets, while heat is just, well, hot. Anyway, in San Diego, we don't really get consistently cool weather until at least November. Plus, once Halloween is over, the stores start gearing up for the gift-giving holidays, and I just find it a happier time of year. And of course, November means Thanksgiving. What's not to love about a holiday devoted to food, family and thinking about the things we should be grateful for?

To get in the spirit (and to prod myself into posting more regularly), I decided I don't need to wait for Turkey Day specifically to start giving thanks. So I'm going to try to do at least one post a week where I give thanks for something good in my life. Of course there are the biggies, like my family, friends, health, house, job but I think it's important to also give thanks for the little things that make my life better every day. And I thought it would be appropriate to start this series by giving thanks for the internet. When I stop and think about how much better and easier my life is because of the internet, it's hard to exaggerate what a huge impact it has. It makes my job easier, it allows me to easily and cheaply keep in touch with friends all over the country (and world), it makes shopping and traveling easier, I could go on and on. I have only a vague notion that it was developed by government researchers and I don't really understand how it works but part of its wonderfulness is that I don't have to. Every time I send an email or google an address or Skype someone, I'm doing something that wasn't possible twenty years ago. And every once in a while, it occurs to me to think, 'How cool is that?!?'

What are you grateful for?

Music Monday: Who I Am

As a singer, I've always turned to music as a way to express what I'm thinking and feeling. Of course, when I was younger, I made mixed tapes for friends and boyfriends, but I also made them just to fit my own various moods. Mixed tapes evolved into mixed CDs and then playlists on my iPod. Over the last several years, the playlist that I've probably listened to the most is one I've named "Who I Am." It's a collection of songs that all, in some way, remind me that I'm a strong, fabulous woman who deserves an amazing life. I particularly needed those reminders when I was trying to extract myself from my last relationship, but I also find that these songs help me anytime that my confidence is a little shaky. I thought that I'd share some of these songs here, which I'll be doing over the next several weeks. And since I'm always looking for more songs to add to this collection, I'd also love to hear any suggestions that you all might have!

I figured I'd start with the song that is the inspiration for the name I gave this playlist. Who I Am was the title track for Jessica Andrew's 2001 album. It's technically country but also got played on some pop stations. As Andrews herself said, "It's about believing in yourself and being supported by those around you. No matter how many mistakes you make, your friends and family will be there for you." I can't embed the video but here are the lyrics:

If I live to be a hundred
And never see the seven wonders
That'll be alright
If I don't make it to the big leagues
If I never win a Grammy
I'm gonna be just fine
'Cause I know exactly who I am

(chorus) I am Rosemary's granddaughter
The spitting image of my father
And when the day is done
My momma's still my biggest fan
Sometimes I'm clueless and I'm clumsy
But I've got friends who love me
And they know just where I stand
It's all a part of me
And that's who I am

So when I make big mistake
When I fall flat on my face
I know I'll be alright
Should my tender heart be broken
I will cry those teardrops knowin'
I will be just fine
'Cause nothin' changes who I am

(chorus)

I'm a saint and I'm a sinner
I'm a loser, I'm a winner
I'm am steady and unstable
I am young but I'm able

(chorus)